the smell of fresh new pages

yup. it's official. i stink at updating this. :) i mean, it's not like i am crazy busy right now. but oh well. here is a quick update for those of you who read this.

graduated a week ago. weird feeling, not gonna lie. day was definitely bittersweet, mostly bitter than sweet. balled my eyes out during a couple goodbyes and drove away never looking back. story of my life. here are pictures of me and the rents, g-rents, and sibs on the "big day". i feel like it was a bigger deal to everyone else graduating but me. maybe it didn't hit me yet (and still hasn't, really) or maybe i was just ready for it. who knows.

it was extremely hard adjusting to this new life back in spartanburg, for now at least. everything in me wanted to be back at the apt. it was change and that is the death of me. someone very wise told me "you are turning over a new leaf al, this is just the start of something new. you will have to do this again when you come to rock hill, when you leave rock hill, and then when you leave for China." (words from big sis, j) she is right though. this is only the beginning of adjustments i will be making throughout this summer.

i have realized that right now i am walking through the "birthing process". the Father has simply asked me to stop asking questions and just grab on to His hand. my place of enlargement is on the other side, but right now i have to put my complete faith and trust in Him. it really is hard. sometimes i feel like i am in a dream, and when i "wake up" from that dream my heart feels so heavy and i get so emotional. in those times i just beg to be comforted. i have no idea what China will hold. when i think about it i flip out because it's going to be such a HUGE change. like, i really can't believe i am going to be in China in less than three months. it really has not hit me yet.

these fresh new pages of life smell incredible. (you ever smell the pages of a new book?--if not, you should) i have closed one chapter and i am in the process of embarking on a new one. the pages are BLANK! just thinking about it is exciting. pretty soon those pages will be filled with Chinese characters and the adorable faces of the little ones i will be molding. :) yet, while it is exciting i am still wrestling with doubt and fear. can i REALLY do this? will i REALLY be able to handle the culture difference, the new people, new job, new place? am i still going to stay in touch with friends in the states? am i going to end up staying there longer than 10 months? will i change so much that it will just be way more awkward than it already is when i "come back"? questions that run through my mind everyday. those of which i have to constantly push aside and beg for peace and strength. i KNOW this is what i am supposed to do. it's just overwhelming to think about sometimes.

i was driving back from a short, random trip to the mountains of montreat and thought about my college career. i feel like i ended it it pretty well, but i knew i didn't want to end every chapter in the same way. so, i reminded myself that China is going to be a life changing experience. i have to make the MOST of it and the BEST of it. if i concentrate on all those questions i posted above...i'm not completely trusting the Father. i have to remember what He says..."Stop asking questions and just grab on to my hand."

it is difficult, and it will be. i am so used to having a physical best friend by my side throughout the past handful of years. though they have been different "best friends" throughout the years, my eyes were certainly opened to a lot. but for the first time EVER i will be embarking on a journey with only my ULTIMATE best friend by my side...JC. i am nervous about making new friends because i feel like i am never really "good" at that, but the peace that comes with this decision comforts my fears. with every new season comes new friends, and you still get the chance to keep the old. reminds me of that girl scout song i used to sing when i was in brownies. (yes, i was in brownies--STEP OFF!) i won't type the lyrics because if you don't know them then consider yourself LUCKY! :D i already miss my friends while i momentarily reside in spartanburg and enjoy the BUTT LOAD of downtime, and it hurts to be away from them. but i am slowly learning that i am being prepared for departure. somehow my story is a part of His plan.